Fashion Police

Personally, I think there are some cool things going on with fashion these days. I am happy to see that the days of the grotesquely clunky shoe are over. It pleases me that men are no longer wearing stupidly baggy pants. Men's shoe options have gotten pretty good, too. No more Doc Marten's. Yes, I like it. I love that women are pairing heels with blue jeans. If you're a guy and can pull it off, I definitely dig the fitted sport jacket over a t-shirt and jeans. Good stuff, I could go on. But I won't.

I probably shouldn't always just take it upon myself to pass judgment on strangers. But we all make decisions about the ways in which we present ourselves to the world. It seems obvious that the way that we appear will convey certain messages to others about our personalities, our tastes, our grooming habits. I completely understand and support the idea of different strokes for different folks. But I still seem to have opinions about other people's, um... strokes. Let's just get down to it.

DREADLOCKS ON WHITE PEOPLE- Okay, first of all, I hate this shit. I always have, it's almost a principle at this point. I mean, why? Is it really that convenient? Are these people actually practicing Rastafarians? Dreads for religious reasons are one thing, otherwise what the fuck would possess you to choose a hairstyle that you have to shave off in order to change? And what's up with the nasty-ass, yarn laundry bag people wear on their heads to wrangle their dreaded locks? Gross. These days there seem to be two factions of white people dreadlock wearers: the Rob Zombie/Korn contingent and the Dirty Hippie. Nothing chaps my ass more than walking down the street and seeing a gaggle of pre-pubescent teens in black Insane Clown Posse t-shirts and the makings of some little nasty dreads. You look like a bunch of idiots. Go home and appreciate your parents. Dreads are not punk rock. Neither are they the icon for one-ness with nature. What's going on here? You're too one with the Earth to comb your hair? You don't think those braided, hemp Jerusalem cruisers you've got strapped to your feet are enough to convey your hippiness? You're earthy, we got it. Now please get away from me, I've heard that lice can jump.

SUPER SHORT SKIRTS- Now, I am down with a mini-skirt. Summer time, warm nights, tan gams, no problem. But there is a line (a panty line). If your skirt is so short that your bare ass hits the seat when you sit down, then it is too fucking short. Don't you care about sanitation? I'm no germ phobe but I'm also not into plopping my crotch down on dirty public furniture without substantial layers of fabric to protect it (I can already hear the comments flowing through some of your brains right now...). Seriously though, if not your own sanitation, think of mine. If you are wearing a too short skirt and a g-string, you are potentially leaving behind enough DNA to perform a pap smear every time you sit down. Please carry a wet-nap.

SHORTS TOO LONG TO BE SHORTS BUT TOO SHORT TO BE PANTS- Men can go very wrong when wearing shorts. Some just shouldn't. A man in too short shorts is not a pretty picture. On the other hand, what the fuck is up with shorts that hit the middle of your shins? Why not just wear pants? Man shorts should hit around the knees. Those ridiculous, long-ass shorts with the 3-foot back pocket are way 1996. Get rid of them. And if you are a long short wearer who also lets the waistband of said shorts hang below your ass, you are a moron. What are you doing? Pull your fucking pants up, slob. Have a little dignity for fuck's sake.

SHORTS OR PANTS WITH WORDS WRITTEN ACROSS THE ASS- God, this exhausts me. If this trend was ever novel, it's time has passed. It's annoying enough to have to read whatever school someone goes to when you're walking behind them, it becomes even worse when their ass is wearing descriptors. Understanding that sometimes the word is or coincides with the brand of clothes, I'm still convinced that the ladies sporting these items believe whole-heartedly that they actually are "Sassy" or "Juicy." Barf. Is this some sort of personality advertising? Why not choose a pair with something more relevant sprawled across the ass? "Vacant" or "Unoriginal" would probably work. In fact, I am anti any apparel with irony lacking personality traits displayed for the public. I don't give a shit if you're a "Spoiled Brat" or a "Heartbreaker." I'm clearly a "Total Bitch" but I don't feel the need to buy a t-shirt or a pair of shorts with the word ironed on to be validated.


Ahhh. So, that may be enough karma damage for now. It kills me, though. I certainly don't dress to impress all the time, but I also don't dress to confuse. With so many good, viable options out there, people are still content to look like jackasses. Ain't that America.

Let's Be Friends

I have a lot of male friends. I am one of those that believes men and women can genuinely be friends, despite sexual tension. Or to spite it, maybe. I have certainly had crushes on a few of the men that I call my friends. And once or twice (okay, it's been many, many times) I have tested the limits of friendship to try to get someone to make-out with me (usually while they were drunk). Never has the result been the establishing of a 'friend with benefits' agreement, although I am enamored with the idea. More often than not, nothing has come (no pun intended) of my advances. Just friends.

For me, things get tricky when I am on the receiving end of advances from friends. Friends I do not want to make out with. My first reaction is a sort of resentment, the typical can't-men-and-women-just-be-friends-without-the-dumb-sexual-tension? This is, of course, a defense mechanism against feeling like an asshole for getting ready to reject the advances of a friend. Of course there will be sexual tension. Biologically, if you're a heterosexual woman, men are for having sex with. It's hard to avoid. My next, and more preferred reaction is rationalization. It's time-tested and true. Sometimes, getting physical (in the Olivia Newton-John sense of the word) with a buddy will really screw up that friendship. Period.

I am curious though, as to what degree of rejection is appropriate when it comes to the advances of a friend. Especially a friend who is doing their own rationalizing and questioning why it is that two people who seemingly enjoy each other's company aren't going to the next level. I once had some success at thwarting an advance by asking loudly, "So you think we should just start having sex now?" I guess the success came because the question caught my friend off guard and allowed both of us to consider how weird an idea it actually was. If he had pursued the issue though, how much information could I offer, by way of rejection, without damaging the friendship?

I guess what I am really thinking about is the fact that unless I want to tear off your clothes, I don't want to date you. And sometimes if I want to tear off your clothes, I still don't want to date you. But, I digress. I suppose it sounds completely shallow, probably because it is, but isn't there something to be said for straight up, down and dirty physical attraction? And yes, I have heard it a million times, the better you know a person, the more attractive they become (given they're a good person..., or that you like assholes). But, I also know myself, and if I didn't want to kiss you when we met, I'm not going to want to kiss you after you show me your bitchin' album collection or book of love poems. Maybe it's harsh, but it's honest.

Is it too much rejection to tell a friend making advances that you simply don't want to have sex with them? As a friend, is it your duty to concoct some rationalized tale of why it wouldn't work? Isn't that like lying? I am sure that my ego would be damaged if I were rejected on the grounds that I simply wasn't sexually attractive to the person I was pursuing. BUT, it would certainly keep me from having false hopes. Friendships, when good, are based on substance, not appearance. And yet, some sort of obligation arises when a friend makes sexual advances to downplay the very important aspect of physical, chemical attraction. In my quest to make this world a more honest place, I think we should be more honest. However shallow it may be.