Reconstruction in Progress

I need badly to resurrect this sad little blog. Sitting here all dusty and stagnant and alone on the scary interweb. No visitors, just creepy automated posts by what seem to be robot Christian bloggers. Poor little blog.

The other day I was sitting at Hamilton Pool with Elliot drinking beers (grad school is so hard) and we were joking around about the phenomenon of life coaches who help people find their true bliss by encouraging them to follow their hearts away from the corporate world in order to open up boutique dog food shops or whatever. We were cracking up about it, trying on our life coach voices and all, rolling our eyes at how gullible people are. But fuck. For the last few months I have been sort of struggling to prioritize the steps I need to take to finish school and to find some sort of employment that I don't hate, and I gotta say that that shit is hard. And I am not saying that I need a life coach, you jerks, I'm just saying that it's hard to have your normal responsibilities and at the same time be in the process of planning your next step. Especially if that next step is a big one, like possibly moving to a new city, or back to one you came from so that you can commit yourself to a place long enough to make the sort of contacts and build the network you need to get the type of job you want. I personally feel like I need help, not just encouragement. It sucks to be in this weird sort of quasi-adult position where essentially the advice that you get from people is, "It's all going to work out in the end," or "You can do anything you put your mind to," or "You just got to get out there and do it." Um, DO FUCKING WHAT? A little soft-shoe? Balloon animals? An interpretative puppet show? What the fuck am I supposed to be doing? "Oh you'll figure it out..." Aw, shut up.

I am currently in a state of gross anti-productivity. I should be finishing up my master's degree and diligently working away on my master's project which is the last thing I have to do in order to be done. But it's not really happening. I've been thinking about it a lot (and why not? it's not like I'm fucking doing anything else) and my theory is that the light at the end of the tunnel is a little too close for comfort and it's hypnotizing me into inactivity. I'm a student, but I'm so close to being done that I feel like I should already have a job. But applying for jobs is so ruthlessly humbling that I spend most of my day licking my wounds and wasting a bunch of time and it has become pretty clear to me that I am pretty much just creating excuses for not being done with my degree on time so that I don't have to make any decisions about what I'm doing next. God, it feels good to say that.

Please understand, I truly appreciate the support and confidence of my loved ones, I really do. It's invaluable to me. But I also need someone to call me the fuck out when it's necessary (that was not an invitation), someone that is a little more in tune with the fact that people make lousy decisions and that I am fully capable of making some ridiculous ones and I might make a bad one again and it might fuck shit up for me. Ahh, Jesus, there it is. I'm not incapable of prioritizing, I'm scared of making the wrong decision. I'm generally a pretty confident person, but it only takes one really stupid decision (like say, leaving a perfectly good life to shack up with a drug addict who ends up breaking your heart and stealing all your shit) to make you think real hard on what it is you're about to do so that you don't find yourself in some unnecessary mess.

Man, it feels really good to articulate this. I've been convinced that I am just defective when it comes to transitions, but I'm not. I'm just scared. And that's sort of normal. And compared to the really stupid decision I mentioned above, pretty much every other option I have in my life right now would be an okay decision. I mean nothing that I decide at this point is going to cause my life to fall apart or my teeth to fall out no matter how many time I have that freaking dream.

It is a little daunting to be leaving the comfy confines of academia, not that it's the warmest place to be. I guess I keep waiting to feel like an adult with some mystical and unwavering security founded in my exceptional, grown-up competence. I think what I need to resign myself to is that me being an adult is pretty much this. Me. Now. It's almost comical. I have to have entire conversations with myself just to reassure myself that I am totally fine. Jesus.

Back to work on the project tomorrow.