Fashion Police

Personally, I think there are some cool things going on with fashion these days. I am happy to see that the days of the grotesquely clunky shoe are over. It pleases me that men are no longer wearing stupidly baggy pants. Men's shoe options have gotten pretty good, too. No more Doc Marten's. Yes, I like it. I love that women are pairing heels with blue jeans. If you're a guy and can pull it off, I definitely dig the fitted sport jacket over a t-shirt and jeans. Good stuff, I could go on. But I won't.

I probably shouldn't always just take it upon myself to pass judgment on strangers. But we all make decisions about the ways in which we present ourselves to the world. It seems obvious that the way that we appear will convey certain messages to others about our personalities, our tastes, our grooming habits. I completely understand and support the idea of different strokes for different folks. But I still seem to have opinions about other people's, um... strokes. Let's just get down to it.

DREADLOCKS ON WHITE PEOPLE- Okay, first of all, I hate this shit. I always have, it's almost a principle at this point. I mean, why? Is it really that convenient? Are these people actually practicing Rastafarians? Dreads for religious reasons are one thing, otherwise what the fuck would possess you to choose a hairstyle that you have to shave off in order to change? And what's up with the nasty-ass, yarn laundry bag people wear on their heads to wrangle their dreaded locks? Gross. These days there seem to be two factions of white people dreadlock wearers: the Rob Zombie/Korn contingent and the Dirty Hippie. Nothing chaps my ass more than walking down the street and seeing a gaggle of pre-pubescent teens in black Insane Clown Posse t-shirts and the makings of some little nasty dreads. You look like a bunch of idiots. Go home and appreciate your parents. Dreads are not punk rock. Neither are they the icon for one-ness with nature. What's going on here? You're too one with the Earth to comb your hair? You don't think those braided, hemp Jerusalem cruisers you've got strapped to your feet are enough to convey your hippiness? You're earthy, we got it. Now please get away from me, I've heard that lice can jump.

SUPER SHORT SKIRTS- Now, I am down with a mini-skirt. Summer time, warm nights, tan gams, no problem. But there is a line (a panty line). If your skirt is so short that your bare ass hits the seat when you sit down, then it is too fucking short. Don't you care about sanitation? I'm no germ phobe but I'm also not into plopping my crotch down on dirty public furniture without substantial layers of fabric to protect it (I can already hear the comments flowing through some of your brains right now...). Seriously though, if not your own sanitation, think of mine. If you are wearing a too short skirt and a g-string, you are potentially leaving behind enough DNA to perform a pap smear every time you sit down. Please carry a wet-nap.

SHORTS TOO LONG TO BE SHORTS BUT TOO SHORT TO BE PANTS- Men can go very wrong when wearing shorts. Some just shouldn't. A man in too short shorts is not a pretty picture. On the other hand, what the fuck is up with shorts that hit the middle of your shins? Why not just wear pants? Man shorts should hit around the knees. Those ridiculous, long-ass shorts with the 3-foot back pocket are way 1996. Get rid of them. And if you are a long short wearer who also lets the waistband of said shorts hang below your ass, you are a moron. What are you doing? Pull your fucking pants up, slob. Have a little dignity for fuck's sake.

SHORTS OR PANTS WITH WORDS WRITTEN ACROSS THE ASS- God, this exhausts me. If this trend was ever novel, it's time has passed. It's annoying enough to have to read whatever school someone goes to when you're walking behind them, it becomes even worse when their ass is wearing descriptors. Understanding that sometimes the word is or coincides with the brand of clothes, I'm still convinced that the ladies sporting these items believe whole-heartedly that they actually are "Sassy" or "Juicy." Barf. Is this some sort of personality advertising? Why not choose a pair with something more relevant sprawled across the ass? "Vacant" or "Unoriginal" would probably work. In fact, I am anti any apparel with irony lacking personality traits displayed for the public. I don't give a shit if you're a "Spoiled Brat" or a "Heartbreaker." I'm clearly a "Total Bitch" but I don't feel the need to buy a t-shirt or a pair of shorts with the word ironed on to be validated.


Ahhh. So, that may be enough karma damage for now. It kills me, though. I certainly don't dress to impress all the time, but I also don't dress to confuse. With so many good, viable options out there, people are still content to look like jackasses. Ain't that America.