Let's Be Friends

I have a lot of male friends. I am one of those that believes men and women can genuinely be friends, despite sexual tension. Or to spite it, maybe. I have certainly had crushes on a few of the men that I call my friends. And once or twice (okay, it's been many, many times) I have tested the limits of friendship to try to get someone to make-out with me (usually while they were drunk). Never has the result been the establishing of a 'friend with benefits' agreement, although I am enamored with the idea. More often than not, nothing has come (no pun intended) of my advances. Just friends.

For me, things get tricky when I am on the receiving end of advances from friends. Friends I do not want to make out with. My first reaction is a sort of resentment, the typical can't-men-and-women-just-be-friends-without-the-dumb-sexual-tension? This is, of course, a defense mechanism against feeling like an asshole for getting ready to reject the advances of a friend. Of course there will be sexual tension. Biologically, if you're a heterosexual woman, men are for having sex with. It's hard to avoid. My next, and more preferred reaction is rationalization. It's time-tested and true. Sometimes, getting physical (in the Olivia Newton-John sense of the word) with a buddy will really screw up that friendship. Period.

I am curious though, as to what degree of rejection is appropriate when it comes to the advances of a friend. Especially a friend who is doing their own rationalizing and questioning why it is that two people who seemingly enjoy each other's company aren't going to the next level. I once had some success at thwarting an advance by asking loudly, "So you think we should just start having sex now?" I guess the success came because the question caught my friend off guard and allowed both of us to consider how weird an idea it actually was. If he had pursued the issue though, how much information could I offer, by way of rejection, without damaging the friendship?

I guess what I am really thinking about is the fact that unless I want to tear off your clothes, I don't want to date you. And sometimes if I want to tear off your clothes, I still don't want to date you. But, I digress. I suppose it sounds completely shallow, probably because it is, but isn't there something to be said for straight up, down and dirty physical attraction? And yes, I have heard it a million times, the better you know a person, the more attractive they become (given they're a good person..., or that you like assholes). But, I also know myself, and if I didn't want to kiss you when we met, I'm not going to want to kiss you after you show me your bitchin' album collection or book of love poems. Maybe it's harsh, but it's honest.

Is it too much rejection to tell a friend making advances that you simply don't want to have sex with them? As a friend, is it your duty to concoct some rationalized tale of why it wouldn't work? Isn't that like lying? I am sure that my ego would be damaged if I were rejected on the grounds that I simply wasn't sexually attractive to the person I was pursuing. BUT, it would certainly keep me from having false hopes. Friendships, when good, are based on substance, not appearance. And yet, some sort of obligation arises when a friend makes sexual advances to downplay the very important aspect of physical, chemical attraction. In my quest to make this world a more honest place, I think we should be more honest. However shallow it may be.