The Basics

It's been blazing hot in Austin. It's the type of weather that makes everything move a little slower. Several days ago, knowing that we really had no other choice, Eastside, Spearlma, and myself decided to spend the afternoon on a porch under a fan drinking margaritas. It was the sort of drinking session that started with really well articulated conversation and banter that eventually devolved into us slamming our hands down on the table and burping out phrases like, "Lemme tell you a lil' sumfing" with one eye crossed. You know, a typical afternoon with the girls.

Anyway, we gots to talking about men, er... I mean, boys and decided that it was high time that we distinguished basic characteristics and qualities that guys must have if they are to be even remotely considered for potential dating. What prompted this conversation were some realizations about how little we have come to expect from guys. I think most people have criteria of some sort that they follow when it comes to the type of person they would like to date. I just think women have to compromise what they want more than men do. Okay, they don't HAVE to compromise, they just do. Or so it seems lately. Hence, The Basics: a semi-short list of qualities and characteristics that my girlfriends and I will use to navigate potential dates or mates. Essentially, if the dude I am dating lacks these things, I personally know, it will never go anywhere. Here they are in random order:

-ORAL SEX: Quite simply, if he doesn't do it, he is getting dumped. Oral sex should be offered without question, without whining, without complaining, and without need for an instruction manual (although women are usually happy to help!). Seriously, these are in completely random order. And don't try to give me any shit about a double standard, what is given (really, really well) is bound to be returned.

-SENSE OF HUMOR: It's really not enough to have a sense of humor anymore, a guy really needs an ability with humor. And not in a completely self-deprecating way, although being able to laugh at yourself is key. Humor should be playful and not immediately be met with defensiveness or always used in passive aggressive ways. If a man is pissed off at a woman, he shouldn't express it by making fun of her (and vice versa, of course). Goofiness. Laughability.

-TOLERANCE: Tolerance in this case refers to open-mindedness, not to a man putting up with a woman's, say, inappropriate and obnoxious drunken behavior in public (although, in my case, it's a must!). Social tolerance, not a bigot, or a fundamentalist. A slight amendment to this is a man who has specific convictions, about his religion for example, that he can articulate with reason.

-HEALTHY: No addictions, be it to drugs, booze, sex, Star Trek, gambling, computer games, porn, etc. Active, gets out of the house, tries new things, isn't incased in a world that doesn't have anything to do with the actual world around him. Seriously ladies, if you are still dating drug addicts or booze hounds or anyone that makes you take a back seat to a chemical or an inanimate object or a fantasy world, find another project. He will never change for you, so it's better to find one that is already interested in his own well-being.

-JOB: Must have a job or clearly articulated professional goals AND the skills and qualifications to meet those goals. And, I'm sorry, but wanting to be a rock star is not a professional goal, even if he plays an instrument. Unless he is some sort of musical prodigy, it's a hobby. No one is saying that men shouldn't explore new things and do what they love and be supported, they just need to have some fucking goals and some strategy for reaching them.

-TRANSPORT: Men need to have a license and a car or else some other sort of viable transport. Just be self-sufficient enough to get where you need to go. Or else you are annoying.

-TWO SPOONS RULE: This is Spearlma's genius, and it stems from a story— Spearlma and a guy she was (WAS) dating decided they wanted to eat some cereal, so they go into the kitchen, Spearlma grabs two bowls, dude grabs the milk out of the fridge and the cereal. Dude pours himself some cereal, Spearlma pours herself some cereal. Dude pours himself some milk, Spearlma pours herself some milk. Dude opens the drawer and grabs a spoon, and then proceeds to close the drawer and walk out of the kitchen. Aw, come the fuck on! He couldn't be bothered to grab TWO spoons?!?! Essentially, if a man is dateable he will have a sort of underlying anticipation for the little things you might need, like a fucking spoon for the cereal he just watched you pour. Sheesh.

-FAMILY TIES: Dateable men will have a healthy relationship with their families, without hanging on to their mother's apron strings. If there is family strife, there should be clearly understood and legitimate reasoning.

-HYGIENE: Yeah, this should go without saying, but it often needs to be said. Guys, please. Be well versed in personal hygiene and spatial cleanliness (clothes, home, car, office space, what have you). And have enough dishes and utensils to host a small, modest dinner party (paper plates do not count), including having toilet paper in your house. The only exceptions are guys that have no possessions because they have just come back from living in Zimbabwe where they were developing sustainable argicultural projects or guys that have been traveling for extended periods of time or the like. If you have a home, make it liveable and be presentable in it.

-SMARTS: Advanced literacy, political interest if not insight, strong perception of the world, critical ability, steeped in educational or worldly experience, genuine interest in learning and being educated.

-SKILLS: I think this becomes increasingly important the older that I get, but guys need to be socially versatile and socially skilled. Not like they need to be wheelers and dealers, but they need to be able to blend into formal work affairs, lunches with Grandma, and drinking binges with buddies and still maintain fundamental aspects of their own personality. Someone who is approachable and understands tact.

-SPACE: Dateable people in general must have an understanding of boundaries and be able to maintain a realistic view of a person's need for space, privacy, and time with friends.

-THREADS: Every man should own a suit that fits and is appropriate for weddings, funerals, graduations, job interviews, etc. Every man should also know how to tie a tie. If he wants dates.

-FEELINGS: Men need to have the ability to express their feelings without reverting to infancy or having to pull quotes from ACDC lyrics. Bon Jovi lyrics, however, will be considered. Seriously, just talk to us. And be willing to speak for yourselves... in words.

-PERIODS: This one was added by my dear friend, Briznooks. Any man who is grossed out or takes issue with the fact that women have menstrual cycles and biological functions that make us human, is a mamby-pamby milktoast of a boy who doesn't deserve dates. Go back to your Japanimation cartoons, lost cause, you will never understand the marvel that is woman from which all human life springs. You are not worthy.

-IN SUM: People need to understand that relationships shouldn't be about building someone's self-esteem or confidence or social ability, they are simply opportunities to compliment someone's characteristics with your own. So, have good characteristics. And, from here on out, jealousy will be understood as blatant lack of self-confidence, without which you cannot expect someone to commit themselves to you. Period.


I really don't think it's that demanding a list. It's the basics. It was pointed out to us that these are qualities that people should expect from each other in general, for friendship. And I agree.