Mania.
I have days when I am sure that I am witness to my own life spinning out of control, but then I will clean my room and do my laundry and all of sudden everything seems right again. I have days when I will find myself walking alone across campus or down the street and realize that I am about to burst into laughter prompted by nothing more than a random thought or memory cruising around my consciousness. I have days when out of the blue I know for a fact that if anyone utters even the slightest word to me, I will break down and cry. And then I have days when I am totally fine, not a care in the world.
In the last several years I have become a staunch advocate of having, experiencing, and expressing whatever emotion you are feeling while you are feeling it. Some people almost instinctively convert one emotion into another because it's easier to express. I used to turn everything into anger. If I was sad, disappointed, frustrated, confused, lonely, etc. the easiest I could think to deal with it was to become irrationally angry. I could come up with an endless list of reasons why I did this or I could sum it up in three words: fear of vulnerability.
I finally evolved from being angry all the time because (surprise, surprise) it was starting to drive me, my family, and my friends insane. Plus, I got a little older and realized how much of a weight it is to carry all that bullshit around. Anger will stew for as long as you let it until it finally just gets rotten. And, frankly, I'm not nearly as scared of vulnerability as I once was. I remember sitting at a bar (one so many of us know and love) a few years back having a heart to heart with my friend John about how no matter where you want to be, or where you want to get to in your life, you are only ever going to be exactly where you are. The present. Avoiding how you feel, trying to transform emotions when you're having them is essentially a way to not live in the present. We decided it was a good thing to embrace all the emotions that would inevitably run their course through our lives and our bodies because it meant we were human.
The thing is, now I feel like I'm a crazy person. A crazy person who is very open with her emotions. One day I'm laughing so hard my body feels like it's going to turn inside out and the next day I can literally see a heavy, little rain cloud hovering over my head. And maybe at this point some of you are thinking I should take my ass to doctor, what with all the happy pills on the market these days, but it's not like I'm dangerous crazy or inconsolable crazy; I just feel, I don't know... crazy.
Maybe "crazy" isn't the best choice of words, considering there are truly KUH-RAYZEE people out in the world. It's just that the older I get, the more my life seems like an experiment I conduct on myself. There's no way that it's "supposed" to be, there is no such thing as how I "normally" act because virtually every big thing or experience that happens is happening for the first time. How could I have a precedent? I don't even know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next emotionally. Emotions don't exist in categories, they exist on a spectrum. You can land anywhere and never've been there before. It's all brand new. And it's fucking crazy.
My dad tells me that your twenties can be the most emotionally intense years because every decision you make has the potential to affect the rest of your life. I'm going to go with him on this one. Maybe being a spazz right now will provide insight for me the future. Or maybe I'll just end up a 45 year old spazz. Whatever happens, I'm going to stop worrying about it today because I have laundry to do and my room is a mess.
posted by tko @ 1:03 AM
7 Comments:
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you write the words that are in my head, but perhaps I cannot explain on my own.
thank you for this.
-bella
i've had the discussion with a close friend of my recently concerning the "craziness' that runs through us. My friend and I have determined, that we, for the most part, feel "insane". This "insanity" stems from the fact we know what is rational and comprehensible to the "normal" world' but don't quite "get" it.". In reaction, i feel that if i, in actuality ,participated in these "normal" lifestyles i would in fact, feel more insane than I do already.
Period.
I don't live my life like that.
I don't know exactly how I DO live my life, but i do know that its on a day to day basis....and one day I couldn't imagine not being a part of this wonderful world, and the next day I curse my parents for bringing me into a life that I never asked for or had any choice in.
It is important to note that, this "normalicy", is in fact, BULLSHIT. There is no "normal". WHAT IS normal to me is not "normal" to others. I think of "normal" as bullshit....i.e., embracing the cookie cutter lifestyle that i have for so long hated and not understood. "Normal" is what we were told growing up. We should have THIS spouse, THis house, THIS job, THIS vacation two weeks a year...blah...blah...blah.
Fuck that.
Okay, i'll stop with the whole "normalcy" bit because, frankly, normalcy and insanity ride the same wave as far as i'm concerned. What is "normal" to the majority is "insanity" to me....and what is "insanity" to me....
welll
I can;t even begin to put it into my own words.
I have concluded this because that which makes us insane is in fact, our own emotions or reactions TO what life has presented us. Life is predictably unpredictable. Some of it makes sense, and, more importantly, are consequences of our own actions.
I had a very dear friend of mine tell me recently that life doesn't HAPPEN to us. LIfe just HAPPENS and we are a part of it.
This same friend explained to me...."stop thinking that everything keeps HAPPENing to you. Its not happening to YOU. Its just happening, and you happen to be a part of this particular thing".
That made me take at least a moment to stop and think. ITS NOT HAPPENING TO ME.
It is just life.
and it happens to everyone.
Everyone has their own shit. You can always hear a story about a friend of a friend of a friend whose mother's sister's daughter had a stroke and left her three month old child to a grief stricken father.
Damn.
That sucks.
And it really happens, because i didn't just make that up for the sake of this post.
But these things happening to your best friend's sisters roommate from college is one thing, and these same things taking place in front of your own eyes is another. Sometimes the stories you hear and the gossip that seems too juicy to not pass along is no longer just a story you've heard, but is, in fact, your own story.
Which is scary...and , more importantly , can truly put things into perspective for you.
Okay, so maybe life doesn't just HAPPEN and you happen to be around. That is only partly true. Life happens...you react...(or don't react) ..and then...viola...the domino affect...you do something ...that causes something else...that someone else reacts to ...that get s back to you...that you hear about three months later...that keeps you from sleepinfg for three weeks,...
that you say....Damn, If only i had done things differently...
and that's the worst...
because hindsight is always clear...
if only
if only
i should have
why didn't i.....
fuck that.
you did.
you didnt/'
you cant
its too late.
you can't spend too much time thinking about "what if"
or
"if only"
or
i still can .....
maybe you still can...
but its not going to make up for what has already happened.
or what you have already done.
My life is WITHOUT A DOUBT much more complicated than it needs to be.
And whose fault is that? In the end, it is my own. I have made my own decisions, and more importantly, I have made certain decisions that carry with it consequences that transcend everything...relationshiops....business....
hell...
right here and now. They affect many
over a scale of time. This is where i stop and think
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?
and i do it anyway. What sense does that make.
None.
none at all. But I do what I do for a reason. It all brings me back to a place, that, at sometime, somewhere, and god knows, somehow, make me feel whole. make me feel alive.And some how or another...
make me feel like me.
I have been vague in so many ways to this point. I realize this. but there is a reason. that which makes me feel insane forces me to be as private as possible. If i give everthing that hibernates ther in my own head...
well
what fun would THAT be..
and honestly...
who would it really make sense to?
So i struggle with the fact that i need to say what i feel...and see....but can't do it completely in order to protect certain people..so i resort to this posting...which is without a doubt......lacking in so much
the whole truth?
perhaps.
but i have told no lies and skirted the real story all at the same time.
And I can still sleep tonight.
well
Hopefullly....
I will at least sleep tonight.
i hope.
Um, wow. I have no idea what you just said. That which makes you feel insane causes you to be as private as possible so you say exactly how you feel. Okay, good.
I have to say that I agree with your friend. Life doesn't happen to us. SHIT happens to us, life is just the vehicle. There are people who could legitimately lay claim to being victims of their lives, but I'm not one of them; my life is good, and I think too many people in privileged situations fall victim to their own lives through a series of their own bad decisions. It's easier to blame the world than to blame yourself. Probably.
Anyway, there's a quote I really like to read when I am having those WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? moments, here it is:
"And this is the simple truth- that to live is to feel oneself lost. He who accepts it has already begun to find himself, to be on firm ground. Instinctively, as do the shipwrecked, he will look around for something to which to cling, and that tragic, ruthless glance, absolutely sincere, because it is a question of his salvation, will cause him to bring order into the chaos of his life. These are the only genuine ideas, the ideas of the shipwrecked. All the rest is rhetoric, posturing, farce." -Soren Kierkegaard
If this statement is the authority, then I am fucking living.
i know, i know.
the rant made sense at times and no sense at all at other times.
I guess that is what blogs are for.
For my part, it was a great release, which is just as important as everything else, i suppose.
anyway, my rant was fueled by your own words, TKO, so...
thank you for that
and I did get a little bit further today and yesterday because of it.
and thanks for your reply.
That Kierkegaard quote is top-drawer. Wierd how quotes can have the same affect as a good song, movie, etc. I remember printing out a quote and putting it on my wall Sophmore year. Eventually it lost meaning, but it helped for a bit. I think as long as the "shipwrecked" moments don't turn into months, they can provide enlightenment, especially if you write down your thoughts or converse with people as you're going thru it. Funny how the dark thoughts don't stick.
True that. The theme of one of my favorite books is how we are designed to not remember our reddest pain. Physical or otherwise. We just can't function with the starkest memories of our angst. Instead we're given the gift of forget, so we can wade in again.
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